


Our Little Secret

by Deannie



Category: The Sentinel
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 1998-11-02
Updated: 1998-11-02
Packaged: 2017-12-31 12:37:07
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 654
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1031775
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Deannie/pseuds/Deannie
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>If Sentinel, Too, part one had been the end...</p>
            </blockquote>





	Our Little Secret

The water soaked into his clothes, into his mind. It was cold--so much colder than he ever would have given it credit for being...

And before him, the image of a wolf, killed by an arrow that  _he_  had shot. And slowly it changed, and became--

 

Jim woke with a start, fighting the hands that tried to keep him from falling off the couch.

"Jim. Jim! Take it easy! It was a dream, okay, man. Just a dream."

Jim looked up into his captain's eyes. Simon hadn't slept. Hell, none of them had  _really_  slept. Not since the fountain.

"It's a nightmare, Simon," he replied tiredly. "And it's my fault."

Simon must have thought he was looking at a particularly gruesome alien from the look on his face. "Jim, I know you feel like you should have been able to do something to stop this, but--"

"Damnit, Simon, it's more than that. I killed him." He bulldozed through Simon's objection. "If I'd've kept him here, this wouldn't have happened. He would have been safe."

"How could you know that, Jim?" Simon asked in what Jim was sure might have been a logical tone at any other time. "Look, the lady was crazy. You couldn't know she was going to go after him."

"I should have."

Simon rose, turning away from the younger man in disgust. "Jim, this is ridiculous. Don't  _do_  this to yourself." His voice dropped tenderly. "Blair wouldn't have wanted this."

"The panther told me this would happen, Simon. Don't you understand?"

"No, Jim. No, I don't understand. I don't understand the panther or the Sentinel thing or the Guide thing or  _any_ thing about this whole damn situation. What I  _do_  understand is that Sandburg wouldn't have stayed with you as long as he did unless he wanted to."

Jim put his head in his hands. "And I threw him out."

"Yeah," Simon agreed. "You did. That was the wrong call and you knew it, but that does  _not_  make you responsible for Alex's actions."

Jim rose stiffly, plodding to the kitchen and pouring a cup of coffee. After a moment, he thought to pour one for Simon as well. He really wasn't up to wondering why his captain had stayed here all night...  _again._  He was just glad that he wasn't alone.

"Jim," Simon said quietly. "Don't beat yourself up, man. This isn't your fault."

Jim nodded, lying perfectly. "I know, sir. It's just that... There must have been something more I could have done."

"There wasn't, Jim," Simon assured him, heading the younger man toward the stairs. "Just... let him go."

* * *

As sunny as it was that morning, Jim couldn't seem to make his eyes see more than dim shadows. The memorial was long and painful, and he caught his Australian "partner" snuffling more than once as people came up to speak about their friend.

Jim wouldn't be among them.

He owed Blair enough not to desecrate the kid's funeral with words that, while heartfelt, came from the mouth of the man who had killed him. He owed Blair his silence. About everything.

 

As the ceremony rolled to an end, and the casket was laid to rest, Jim stood. Through the music, through Naomi's slightly bitter handshake, through Megan's sincere kiss goodbye, Jim stood. It was a long while before everyone was gone, and he stood facing a gaping hole, very much like the one in his chest.

"I'm sorry, Chief," he whispered, feeling the tears coming. He hadn't shed any before now. Just waiting for the right time.

"I should have let you know how much you scared me--how much  _we_  scared me. I was afraid to tell you, afraid that you'd leave. And now you've left me anyway.

"I'll tell you now, with no one else to hear, okay, Chief? Our little secret?

"I love you, Blair. I always will.

"I'm sorry.

"Goodbye."

* * *

_The End_


End file.
